This past week was the release day for what is perhaps the most controversial book by a mainstream, Christian author ever: Love Wins by Rob Bell. The vehement discussions of this book have ravaged the religious blog-o-sphere and have even extended to CNN and Good Morning America.
Since I never like to be left behind, I thought I would make my contribution the the Rob Bell hysteria.
If You Read Rob Bell . . .
- God will not like you.
- All your beliefs will crumble like a dry clod of dirt.
- You will lose your grasp on reality.
- You will be rejected by all the churches in your town (except the Unitarians).
- Your children will disobey you and throw tantrums in the Wal-Mart.
- You will be struck by lightning.
- Your hair and teeth will fall out.
- Money will disappear from your wallet.
- You cat will run away.
- Old ladies will hit you with their purses.
- Old men will hit you with their canes.
- You toilet will self-destruct.
- You TV will no longer receive religious channels.
- You clock will always be 17 minutes slow.
- Your butt will be saggy.
- You will forget how to tie your shoes.
- You milk will always be sour.
- Your car will be consumed by a sinkhole.
- You will have nightmares about being naked.
- Your hair will turn gray.
- Seagulls will always poop on you.
- Rats will take up residence in your house.
- You will have to wear a large, red “LW” on your chest.
- You DVDs will be be replaced by John Piper sermons.
- You will go to Hell (even if you don’t believe in it).