If You Read Rob Bell . . .

This past week was the release day for what is perhaps the most controversial book by a mainstream, Christian author ever: Love Wins by Rob Bell. The vehement discussions of this book have ravaged the religious blog-o-sphere and have even extended to CNN and Good Morning America.

Since I never like to be left behind, I thought I would make my contribution the the Rob Bell hysteria.

If You Read Rob Bell . . .

1. God will not like you.
2. All your beliefs will crumble like a dry clod of dirt.
3. You will lose your grasp on reality.
4. You will be rejected by all the churches in your town (except the Unitarians).
5. Your children will disobey you and throw tantrums in the Wal-Mart.
6. You will be struck by lightning.
7. Your hair and teeth will fall out.
8. Money will disappear from your wallet.
9. You cat will run away.
10. Old ladies will hit you with their purses.
11. Old men will hit you with their canes.
12. You toilet will self-destruct.
13. You TV will no longer receive religious channels.
14. You clock will always be 17 minutes slow.
15. Your butt will be saggy.
16. You will forget how to tie your shoes.
17. You milk will always be sour.
18. Your car will be consumed by a sinkhole.
19. You will have nightmares about being naked.
20. Your hair will turn gray.
21. Seagulls will always poop on you.
22. Rats will take up residence in your house.
23. You will have to wear a large, red “LW” on your chest.
24. You DVDs will be be replaced by John Piper sermons.
25. You will go to Hell (even if you don’t believe in it).